Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication

Table of Contents

NVC: a way of communicating that leads us to give from the heart. (Location 353)

We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention. (Location 359)

First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? Articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation—to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like.

Secondly, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated?

Thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified. (Location 399)

Tags: observe, favorite

Note: 1) Observe without judgement (Observe) 2) State how it makes us feel (Feel) 3) Outline what needs are connected to the action (Need) 4) Request

Four components of NVC: 1. observations 2. feelings 3. needs 4. requests (Location 404)

Tags: nvc, favorite

Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting. (Location 546)

Tags: needs, judgement

Note: Outline what we need rather than how wrong the other person is

Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values. (Location 551)

Tags: needs

We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves: (Location 606)

Tags: responsibility

Note: Accept responsibility for our actions but not attributing their cause to something outside us

We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice. (Location 625)

We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel. (Location 632)

Tags: responsibility

Note: We are responsible for how we think, behave and feel

I can handle your telling me what I did or didn’t do. And I can handle your interpretations, but please don’t mix the two. (Location 679)

Tags: nvc

Note: .nvc

The first component of NVC entails the separation of observation from evaluation. We need to clearly observe what we are seeing, hearing, or touching that is affecting our sense of well-being, without mixing in any evaluation. (Location 695)

Tags: favorite, observe, nvc

Note: do not mix observation and evaluation

When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism. (Location 707)

Tags: criticism

...that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence. (Location 742)

Tags: judgement, communication, favorite, observe

Note: observe without evaluating

Identifying and Expressing Feelings

Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts. (Location 923)

A common confusion, generated by the English language, is our use of the word feel without actually expressing a feeling. For example, in the sentence, “I feel I didn’t get a fair deal,” the words I feel could be more accurately replaced with I think. (Location 936)

Tags: feelings

Note: We can say the word 'feel' without actually expressing a feeling

In general, feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by: Words such as that, like, as if: “I feel that you should know better.” “I feel like a failure.” “I feel as if I’m living with a wall.” The pronouns I, you, he, she, they, it: “I feel I am constantly on call.” “I feel it is useless.” Names or nouns referring to people: “I feel Amy has been pretty responsible.” “I feel my boss is being manipulative.” Distinguish feelings from thoughts. (Location 938)

Tags: feelings

Note: Do not follow "i feel" with that, like, as if I, you, he, she

Distinguish feelings from thoughts

In NVC, we distinguish between words that express actual feelings and those that describe what we think we are. (Location 949)

Tags: feelings

Note: .feelings distinguish between feelings and what we think we are

Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave toward us. “I feel unimportant to the people with whom I work.” The word unimportant describes how I think others are evaluating me, rather than an actual feeling, which in this situation might be “I feel sad” or “I feel discouraged.” “I feel misunderstood.” Here the word misunderstood indicates my assessment of the other person’s level of understanding rather than an actual feeling. In this situation, I may be feeling anxious or annoyed or some other emotion. 3. “I feel ignored.” Again, this is more of an interpretation of the actions of others than a clear statement of how we are feeling. No doubt there have been times we thought we were being ignored and our feeling was relief, because we wanted to be left to ourselves. No doubt there were other times, however, when we felt hurt when we thought we were being ignored, because we had wanted to be involved. Words like ignored express how we interpret others, rather than how we feel. (Location 960)

Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings

“What is it you are needing and what would you like to request from one another in relation to those needs?” (Location 1242)

Tags: feeling, needs

Note: .needs .feeling what is it that you need

Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life

first three components of NVC, which address what we are observing, feeling, and needing. We have learned to do this without criticizing, analyzing, blaming, or diagnosing others, and in a way likely to inspire compassion. (Location 1439)

People are often confused as to what is actually being requested, and furthermore, negative requests are likely to provoke resistance. Use positive language when making requests. (Location 1448)

Tags: request, negative, positive

Note: use positive language when making requests

Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want. (Location 1491)

Tags: request, nvc

Note: .nvc be clear, specific and positive in requests

Yes, it can be difficult to make clear requests. But think how hard it will be for others to respond to our request if we’re not even clear what it is! (Location 1519)

Tags: requests

Note: make clear requests so that others can respond to them

If I really reflect upon what I’m requesting when I ask to be loved, I suppose I want you to guess what I want before I’m even aware of it. And then I want you to always do it. MBR: I’m grateful for your clarity. I hope you can see how you are not likely to find someone who can fulfill your need for love if that’s what it takes. (Location 1522)

To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back. (Location 1571)

Tags: favorite, listen, nvc

Note: ask the other person to summarise your Request back to you

To tell if it’s a demand or a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with. Let’s look at two variations of a situation. Jack says to his friend Jane, “I’m lonely and would like you to spend the evening with me.” Is that a request or a demand? The answer is that we don’t know until we observe how Jack treats Jane if she doesn’t comply. Suppose she replies, “Jack, I’m really tired. If you’d like some company, how about finding someone else to be with you this evening?” If Jack then remarks, “How typical of you to be so selfish!” his request was in fact a demand. Instead of empathizing with her need to rest, he has blamed her. It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges. (Location 1650)

Tags: demand, request

Note: if the speaker criticises the response its a demand

We demonstrate that we are making a request rather than a demand by how we respond when others don’t comply. (Location 1674)

Tags: demand, request

Note: Our reaction to the response can show we are making a request

Receiving Empathically

The two parts of NVC: 1. expressing honestly 2. receiving empathically (Location 1823)

Tags: nvc

Note: .nvc

Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking. (Location 1897)

Tags: listen, nvc

Note: .nvc .listen

NVC suggests that our paraphrasing take the form of questions that reveal our understanding while eliciting any necessary corrections from the speaker. Questions may focus on these components: what others are observing: “Are you reacting to how many evenings I was gone last week?” (Location 1905)

Tags: nvc

Note: .nvc question paraphrase your understanding of the other persons feelings and the reason why

When asking for information, first express our own feelings and needs. (Location 1922)

Tags: question

Note: .question express your own emottions

The words good and bad are often used to describe feelings when people have yet to identify the specific emotion they are experiencing. (Location 2082)

Tags: feelings

The Power of Empathy

“Remember when you said never to put your ‘but’ in the face of an angry person? I was all ready to start arguing with him; I was about to say, ‘But I don’t have a room!’ when I remembered your joke. (Location 2242)

Tags: but

Note: .but dont respond with but

Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves

Expressing Anger Fully

To motivate by guilt, mix up stimulus and cause. (Location 2603)

Anger is generated when we are finding fault—we are choosing to play God by judging or blaming the other person for being wrong or deserving punishment. Even if we are not initially conscious of it, the cause of anger is located in our own thinking. (Location 2609)

Tags: judgement, anger

Note: .anger when we are judging the other person for beiing wrong

Steps to expressing anger: 1. Stop. Breathe. 2. Identify our judgmental thoughts. 3. Connect with our needs. 4. Express our feelings and unmet needs. (Location 2716)

Tags: anger

Note: .anger

People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault. (Location 2776)

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

In NVC-style conflict resolution, creating a connection between the people who are in conflict is the most important thing. This is what enables all the other steps of NVC to work, because it’s not until you have forged that connection that each side will seek to know exactly what the other side is feeling and needing. (Location 2905)

Tags: nvc

Note: .nvc its important for both partirs too make a connection

There are five steps in this process. Either side may express their needs first, but for the sake of simplicity in this overview, let’s assume we begin with our needs. First, we express our own needs. Second, we search for the real needs of the other person, no matter how they are expressing themselves. If they are not expressing a need, but instead an opinion, judgment, or analysis, we recognize that, and continue to seek the need behind their words, the need underneath what they are saying. Third, we verify that we both accurately recognize the other person’s needs, and if not, continue to seek the need behind their words. Fourth, we provide as much empathy as is required for us to mutually hear each other’s needs accurately. ... And fifth, having clarified both parties’ needs in the situation, we propose strategies for resolving the conflict, framing them in positive action language. (Location 2947)

if I ask my partner to talk about the stress in our relationship and they answer, “I don’t want to talk about it,” I may sense that their need is for protection from what they imagine could happen if we were to communicate about our relationship. (Location 3010)

Criticism and diagnosis get in the way of peaceful resolution of conflicts. (Location 3034)

Tags: nvc

Note: .nvc dont criticise or diagnose

A present language statement refers to what is wanted at this moment. For example, one party might say, “I’d like you to tell me if you would be willing to—” and describe the action they’d like the other party to take. The use of a present language request that begins with “Would you be willing to …” helps foster a respectful discussion. If the other side answers that they are not willing, it invites the next step of understanding what prevents their willingness. (Location 3077)

Tags: nvc

Note: .nvc

One way to determine that someone is actually listening is to have that person reflect back what had been said: we ask the person to take an action that we ourselves can see or hear. If the other party can tell us what was just said, we know that person heard and was indeed listening to us. (Location 3102)

Tags: listen

Note: .listen ask the other person to repeat what you said to check if they are listening

The Protective Use of Force

Liberating Ourselves and Counseling Others

Saying “thank you” in NVC: “This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.” (Location 3660)

Tags: thank others, nvc

Note: .nvc

Conventional compliments often take the form of judgments, however positive, and are sometimes intended to manipulate the behavior of others. NVC encourages the expression of appreciation solely for celebration. We state (1) the action that has contributed to our well-being, (2) the particular need of ours that has been fulfilled, and (3) the feelings of pleasure engendered as a result. (Location 3756)

Tags: compliment, nvc

Note: .nvc .compliment state the action, our need it met and how it made us feel